With the sad, sad news of girl quartet trio Destiny’s Child breaking up, I bring you my favorite Village Voice column ever. It’s a classic… all the way back to those innocent pre-911 times.

The diva giveth, and the diva taketh away: Survivor, perhaps because it’s so indisputably BK’s show, finds her showering gifts upon her bridesmaids. Sainted Kelly, the poignantly stalwart Mary Wilson/Eric Erlandson figure croons the part of the title single that everyone remembers (“I’m not gonna dis you on the Internet/Cos my mama taught me better than that”). Michelle, who always looks a bit lost (maybe in part because Mathew Knowles, a/k/a the Colonel, deemed her given name too “ethnic”), is occasionally granted a dispensation to get her Whitney freak on. Both make heartening efforts to empathize with their mistress’s torments: free-ranging paranoia, absolutist romantic embitterment (“Independent Women Part II,” gilding the lily as all sequels must: “If you ain’t in love, I congratulate you”), and ad hominem fixations on girls who dress skimpily and dance around and think they’re so hot. Yup, turns out Beyoncé is an Ironist. That’s why she can dog former members of her congregation by bragging that she won’t stoop to dogging them. That’s why she can hail herself as a sold-my-million winner when it was Beyoncé and Daddy extinguishing the torches.
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Odd and disappointing, then, that Survivor seems so consistently sexless. “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” the girls decide, rather preemptively. We’re back to junior high. Beyoncé is the most beautiful, most popular seventh-grader, drunk on her own power, and the reverend’s daughter to boot. She’s a mean drunk, too, rubbing everybody’s face in her Chosen status until she looks around one day and finds she only has two friends left. “Actually, it’s like she had one friend, and her dad had to buy her another,” as an astute buddy pointed out. So let’s say that Beyoncé is at one of those awkward stages. She’s an independent woman who’s a sexy daddy’s-girl. Her love don’t cost a thing””and yet, the house they live in, she bought it. Maybe it’s time to move out.

R.I.P. DEEE CHIL’ Now that Beyonce has finally kicked Kelly (who?) and Michelle (who?) to the curb she can get on with her career.

Listen: Dsico That No Talent Hack – Work That Shit Out

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